Every Vote Counts
- jordanwritesaz
- Oct 25, 2024
- 10 min read
The votes have been counted…again and again and again. Some folks just can’t take no for an answer.
***Note: Given the nature of our world today, I need to point out that this is political satire. As far as I know. This was written almost two years ago, so anything is possible.
Democracy Docket is the leading progressive platform for information, analysis, and opinion about voting rights, elections, and democracy
Follow us for updates on the developing situation in Arizona.
***
Mark Waddell(R), Maricopa County Attorney, Former Conservative Talk Show Host
Everything changed when counsel for the plaintiff went over the bench, teeth bared, and proceeded to tear out the throat of the Honorable Judge Loretta Deeds. The Judge had just ruled that Dominion Voting Systems had met all contractual terms for tabulating machines when the Berserkers…berserked. I don’t know how else to describe it.
It was chaos. The bailiff pushed me towards the door to the chambers, but he was taken down by several of the courtroom spectators before we could make an escape. Save yourself, he mouthed before sinking into a sea of ravenous patriots.
I ran down the empty hallway to the emergency stairs and took them as fast as my creaking knees would allow. I remember thinking, Jesus. I’m too old for this shit!
As I burst through the emergency exit door, the alarm blared, drawing the attention of the waiting press. They descended like a pack of wild animals, yelling questions as I frantically searched for the driver the County had assigned me. My phone, my house keys — everything was back at counsel’s table, and flesh-eating zealots were hot on my tail. And I’m not even talking about the reporters!
“Mr. Waddell!”
“How do you feel about your case?”
“Mark! Can you give us a comment on the Governor’s most recent comments about your lack of impartiality?”
“She’s not the Governor,” I snapped. Above the fray, I could see Clark, my driver, waving. I pushed my way through the crowd of hacks that were now surrounding me. “I’d run if I were you,” I shouted as I slid into the back seat.
Through the rear window, I could see the rabid crowd of blood-stained citizens spilling out of the courthouse. Leaning forward, I said, “Step on it!” As we pulled away, I watched the horde run right past the media, and chase our speeding car down the block until we finally outpaced them.
“What the hell was that?” Clark asked, voice shaking.
I shook my head. “A bunch of really pissed-off voters?” I didn’t yet know how true the statement was.
It’s not like things hadn’t been weird before that. The whole damn election was weird and it all started with the candidate, Hannah Waters, former newscaster and darling of the right wing. Sure, most people thought she was a kook, but when she won the primary, she became OUR kook.
I’m ashamed to admit it now, knowing what I know, but yeah. I voted for the kook. You can forgive a lot for smaller government and lower taxes. And besides, no one thought she meant any of the crazy conspiracy stuff she said anyway. It’s a schtick, right? Playing to the base. It wasn’t until after she lost the election and I got a certified letter from her on stationary that said, From the Office of the Governor, that I knew we were in trouble.
***
Casey Shaw, Journalist, Unauthorized Biographer of Hannah Waters.
People want to believe that it started with the murder of Judge Deeds, but for anyone paying attention, that was a completely predictable event. Well, not the Zombie part, but someone was going to die. My money was on Waddell. That dude is an asshole.
But the pump was already primed. Her supporters? The hardcore ones? They didn’t come out of nowhere. All the ingredients were right there, waiting for someone to stir the pot. That’s Miss Hannah.
I even understand them, to a point. The world is changing and they feel like they are being left behind. It’s like how my sister was the pretty one, and I was the smart one. Then she got into Stanford on a field hockey scholarship and I blanked on my top three. How is that fair? So yeah, I get it. Life isn’t fair.
Then someone like Hannah Waters comes along and tells them it’s not their fault. and gives them someone else to blame: could be immigrants, drag queens, the government…doesn’t matter. They don’t understand us. They don’t share our values. As if Hannah Waters has anything in common with those people. But in their minds, only she can save them from the evils of books, vaccinations, and sensible gun laws.
I interviewed Hannah for a profile in the New Times. She is used to sweetheart coverage instead of hard questions like, “How many branches of government are there?” I guarantee you she doesn’t know. In answering a question about the second amendment, she actually referred to the Bill of Rights as the Ten Commandments. But she is brilliant at branding herself. She knows her voter. She has catchphrases! Every vote won’t count until every vote is counted! I mean, c’mon. That’s low-key genius.
This whole thing between her and Waddell came as a shock. I mean, this guy is so right-wing his father went to prison for NIXON. But Mark is the center square in this game. He was the one who signed off on the contract with Dominion. He also signed off on bringing in federal auditors to affirm the results. Twice. So when she kept losing, he was the guy she blamed. All because he did his job. Her people loosed the dogs on him AND his family. I heard the FBI warned him to get them out of town because of death threats.
So yeah. Things are pretty crazy here right now. We still don’t know what sent her lawyer over the edge, or why her base went all ‘Night of the Living Dead’. I heard it’s a weird new strain of Covid. Who knows? But whatever comes, your girl Casey is here in the trenches, keeping you in the know and trying not to get bit.
***
Edgar Diaz, Maricopa County Sheriff
I’m Edgar Diaz. I’m the Sheriff of Maricopa County.
Lawless. That’s pretty much the word for it. I’ve lost good men. And some women. We evacuated Governor Roberts the day the courthouse fell. Her bird was barely in the air when the Waters team descended on the Capitol building. They’ve been there ever since.
Roberts tried calling in the National Guard, but a lot of them are among the infected. The Feds sent the Army Corps of Engineers out and they built a wall of shipping containers around the entire state. Took about a weekend, which just made the crazies crazier because apparently, building a wall isn’t exactly impossible. I’m pretty sure Roberts is relaxing on a beach somewhere, so apparently I’m in charge of the resistance.
We’re fucked.
I mean, there is definitely the will to resist among the citizens here. But peaceful protest marches against these things when they’re trying to gut you and feast on your bones? Dangerously naive, and that is being kind.
And don’t get me started on the Vax patrols. I know they mean well, but spritzing these monsters in the face with Eau du Moderna isn’t actually a thing. These women are the ones that in another life were out there picking up strange pit bulls off the street and putting them in their minivans with nothing but a spray bottle full of water for defense. Points for fearless compassion, if not a lot of common sense. If they’re gonna get that close to the eaters, I wish I could get them to just shoot them in the face, but apparently, that violates some do-gooder code of conduct.
But that’s where we are: all-out armed conflict against rabid citizens. Thank God for the Libertarians. All fifty of them. As it turns out, liberty or death is more a slogan than a statement of intent. But they are well-armed, so that’s helpful.
***
Post.ed by Casey Shaw, Journalist, Unauthorized Biographer of Hannah Waters.
From the desk of Colleen Hutchins, Press Secretary to Governor Hannah Waters. For immediate publication.
Effective noon today, Governor Waters has declared martial law and suspended Sheriff Edgar Diaz for malfeasance. Former Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, will serve in the interim. Sheriff Diaz is under investigation for murder and sedition in connection with his persecution of his political enemies. Sheriff Joe has reactivated his posse to pursue and apprehend this lawless lawman.
***
Mark Waddell(R)
Waters is batshit. We have been under martial law for almost a month. How is this happening? She is not the Governor! I should know. We went through machine counts, hand counts, and TWO audits. This is a coup. Let’s call the thing by its name: a coup, aided and abetted by cowards at all levels.
One thing that I have learned in all this is that fear IS the mind-killer. The Feds have added yet another layer of shipping containers to the wall around the state, as well as an electrified fence. They are terrified this thing will spread outside our borders.
The State Legislature is decimated. Most of them have been eaten or are in deep hiding. Sen. Esposito was a Ranger who did two tours in Afghanistan. He is leading a team of guerillas to protect citizens still dumb enough to shop at Costco. I mean, most people are trying to ignore the drama by just sticking to Walmart, where it’s safe. But a Costco shopper is highly suspect of liberal leanings. They’re just ringing the dinner bell.
Thanks to the Libertarians, we have enough ammo to outlast the bastards. Weapons training is coming along with our all-volunteer force. The flinching is getting a lot better.
Sheriff Diaz has gone full-on Deer Hunter since he was indicted for killing the infected. He’s out there solo, sniping Water’s inner circle. Crazy fucker does not care. He paid some Coyotes to smuggle his family into Mexico in the early days and now he’s what you call, committed. As a former prosecutor, I should hate this, but if you have to kill a lot of bureaucrats to defend Democracy, I’m not going to stand in your way. As for me, I keep my Beretta locked and loaded.
***
Grace Franklin, Chair, Arizona Libertarian Party
Arizona citizens overwhelmingly want a viable third-party option in statewide contests, but Arizona ballot access law is an impediment. Just saying. This whole mess could have been avoided.
Despite this blatant discrimination, the ALP has been working diligently with like-minded Democrats and Republicans to preserve Democracy in Arizona by any means necessary. We are small, but we are mighty.
We are also increasingly worried about the abandoned shipping containers that now line the borders around our state. Impeding the free movement of citizens across state lines is a violation of our Constitutional rights of citizenship. We would file a week lawsuit to compel their removal by the Federal government, but there are no federal Jurists left in the state.
***
Edgar Diaz, American Sniper
I am writing this from deep, deep cover. Our government has abandoned us. They think that if they surround us with a wall this rot can’t spread. They don’t know that it’s already too late. An idea travels faster than a bullet.
All I can do now is save as many as I can. And the only way I can do that is to cut off the head of this snake.
One shot.
***
Mark Waddell (I)
The whole state is on edge. It’s crazy but it somehow makes all the sense in the world that the breaking point would be interruptions in Amazon deliveries due to a sudden shortage of shipping containers. Protests at the capitol are growing daily, despite the threat of death and dismemberment. Do not get in the way of the American consumer.
Diaz has gone viral with his weird rant about killing the snake. The Feds are sure listening now. Of course, he is right. There are already rumblings from other states. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Georgia. When people can abuse the courts, the media, and the election system with no consequences, then it’s open season, right? Democracy relies on the consent of the governed. What happens when a relative few refuse to consent, and the government yields? The tyranny of the minority is what. Not every vote counts the same, apparently. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Thinking like this can overturn elections.
Thinking like this can overturn the Constitution, which is, after all, just a bunch of rules we all agree to follow.
Thinking like this can install unelected leaders with mindless, throat-eating followers.
I’m definitely too old for this shit.
***
Casey Shaw, Journalist for MSNBC
Hey, it’s your girl, Casey. Twelve hours ago, I crossed the border into Colorado, and not a moment too soon. I considered California or Nevada, but Yuma and Kingman border those states and they are overrun with the bitey ones, so Colorado it was.
Two hours ago, the Feds began their assault on the Grand Canyon State. I mean, the state doesn’t have anti-aircraft capabilities, so it was pretty much a busy afternoon at Sky Harbor, but it is bracing to see those doors open and hundreds of US soldiers pour out in full body armor. An American city, occupied by American soldiers. Not a sight I ever thought I’d be happy to see.
Those who didn’t make it out are barricaded in their homes. We heard they might napalm the whole state, although how that could be worse than an Arizona summer, I don’t know.
Making their job slightly less complicated is news out of the Capitol complex. Former Sheriff Edgar Diaz entered the Governor’s office this afternoon disguised as a Dominion Voting Systems Account Representative and shot Hannah Waters in the head. Apparently, Governor…er, Miss Waters believed he was there to admit to his role in the conspiracy to not elect a lunatic as Governor. It’s all very Katniss Everdeen.
Diaz was taken into custody at the scene by Water’s personal security. His whereabouts are currently unknown, but we will be following this one closely.
I think I speak for all of us when I say that I am happy to see this sad chapter coming to an end. We pray for the safety of our soldiers as they battle to cleanse the state of the remaining infected and secure the liberty of the survivors that stayed behind to fight. Or to hide. No judgment. It’s been a terrifying few months.
Since all my editors at the Phoenix New Times are now dead, I caught a new gig at MSNBC. Catch me on the Reid Out tonight where Joy and I will be discussing the weird rumblings coming out of Palm Beach, Florida, where multiple bloody bodies are rumored to have been removed from the estate of a certain ex-President. Until then, stay safe.
Comments